> ## Content Index > Fetch the complete content index at: https://fessup.mymidnight.blog/llms.txt > Use this file to discover other available public pages before exploring further. # More Machine Than Man - URL: https://fessup.mymidnight.blog/more-machine-than-man/ - Published: 2026-05-06T15:20:38.000Z - Updated: 2026-10-07T16:11:21.000Z - Description: Still waiting. Just better at it. - Author: Jerry Fess - Tags: routine, hope, faking it, intrusive, surviving, depressed, medication, tactics, self-care, intrusive thoughts, journaling, existential dread, fake it till you make it, depression, blog, high functioning depression, machine, existing, treatments, writing out loud, highlysensitiveperson, therapy, high functioning happiness, perfectionist, waiting, overshare, meds, anxiety, holding space, Star Wars, Newsletter, #Migrated-1791389245739, #Import 2026-10-07 11:10 There’s a version of this that looks like progress. Meds lined up. Sleep managed. Pain… negotiated. Not fixed. Not gone. Just controlled enough to keep everything moving. I didn’t become stronger. I became more efficient. > *Inputs. Outputs. Adjustments. A system that keeps running whether I feel anything or not.* And it works. That might be the problem. Because somewhere along the way, waiting stopped feeling like something I was doing and started feeling like something I was built for. ![](https://cdn.mymidnight.blog/faafda66202d234463057972460c04f5/2026/10/5ed1ad49-d5a8-4283-863e-47202bd30a43_720x405.gif) --- [Subscribe now](#/portal/signup) Don’t get me wrong. It’s not all bad. Maybe this, just existing, is the bridge. Maybe this is how I get to something like living— *You’ve said this before.* —something that actually feels like being here. Right now, in this moment, I don’t feel doomed. I will later. I always do. But I’m starting to notice the delay. Starting to remind myself that it’s not permanent, even when it feels like it is. And somehow… that helps. A little. --- But there’s this other thing. This anxiety that shows up when I don’t feel bad. One side pushing: *go, go, go. Do something with this. Don’t waste it.* The other already calculating the drop: *what if this doesn’t last. What if this is as good as it gets.* And then: *Stop.* *This isn’t helping.* *You should be doing something else.* > *Even feeling okay comes with a deadline attached.* --- I keep waiting while also knowing nothing is coming. I understand it in theory. No one is coming to save you. I’ve written about it before. But understanding something and living like it’s true aren’t the same thing. Part of me still pauses. Still delays. Still acts like something might step in and change the shape of all of this. > *Part of me still waits anyway.* ![](https://cdn.mymidnight.blog/faafda66202d234463057972460c04f5/2026/10/76c1d32e-9055-466d-8a7b-398b3df6a686_320x180.gif) [Subscribe now](#/portal/signup) --- I’ve been rocking back and forth in my office chair for the last five minutes. Just sitting in the loop. Editing what I’m going to say before I say it. What I’m going to write before I write it— *This isn’t landing. Fix it.* —what I’m going to do before I even start doing it. And by the time I get there, something’s already been interrupted. ![](https://cdn.mymidnight.blog/faafda66202d234463057972460c04f5/2026/10/7f1446c0-97fb-46a0-af3a-4ee48e76c72e_320x180.gif) --- Intrusive thoughts don’t always sound like chaos. Sometimes they sound like reasonable suggestions. > *Intrusive thoughts don’t always sound like chaos. Sometimes they sound like reasonable suggestions.* *You could be using this time better.* *This isn’t the best use of your resources.* They don’t feel like foreign objects. They feel like they belong. Like something trying to make better use of me. > *Like something trying to make better use of me.* One tells me to stop. The other tells me to start. They don’t label which is which. It feels like the Force—the light side and the dark pulling at each other, trying to balance each other. So I sit there trying to figure out: am I hesitating, or hoping? And while I’m sorting it out, nothing moves. ![](https://cdn.mymidnight.blog/faafda66202d234463057972460c04f5/2026/10/d29f7937-454e-40a4-8c58-a07cb4150f00_720x405.gif) [Subscribe now](#/portal/signup) --- *Just start.* *Just start.* *(Echo)* *(Echo)* *You don’t even know what you’re doing.* *You’ll stop in five minutes anyway.* I don’t know which voice that is anymore. The one trying to push me forward, or just another version of the same pressure keeping me running in place. ![](https://cdn.mymidnight.blog/faafda66202d234463057972460c04f5/2026/10/8210c4fa-143a-47b0-8fd9-85913e6661ab_640x960-jpeg.jpg) --- Maybe it’s not about figuring them out. Maybe it’s just this: seeing them show up and not handing over the keys when they do. --- I can function. I can get through the day. I can even look okay from the outside. But functioning isn’t the same thing as being here. > *Functioning isn’t the same thing as being here.* And I’m starting to wonder where that line is. Or if I crossed it a while ago and just kept going anyway. --- I’m still here. Still sitting in the chair. Still writing this instead of stopping. > *The system works.* I just don’t know what it’s keeping alive. Or if it’s me. ![](https://cdn.mymidnight.blog/faafda66202d234463057972460c04f5/2026/10/b5ada295-c329-4927-864b-f87e114db706_245x157.gif) --- [Leave a comment](#ghost-comments-root) [Subscribe](#/portal/signup)