> ## Content Index > Fetch the complete content index at: https://fessup.mymidnight.blog/llms.txt > Use this file to discover other available public pages before exploring further. # Navigating the Hostile Territory of Aging and Attraction - URL: https://fessup.mymidnight.blog/navigating-the-hostile-territory-of-aging-and-attraction/ - Published: 2026-04-30T22:32:43.000Z - Updated: 2026-10-07T16:11:26.000Z - Description: What happens when you realize you’ve participated in your own erasure? - Author: Jerry Fess - Tags: gay anthem, depressed, handsome, loneliness, app, lonely, self-care, self-awareness, journaling, gay love, comparison, messy growth, dysmorphia, body, depression, hunk, connecting, influencer, connection, honesty, full disclosure, highlysensitiveperson, beauty, muscle, love, aesthetic, Newsletter, #Migrated-1791389245739, #Import 2026-10-07 11:10 I have pretty intense body issues right now. Not abstract ones—real, daily, intrusive ones. The kind that change how you see yourself in the mirror. The kind that make you hesitate before being seen at all. And I can’t separate that from what I’m seeing in gay spaces. Because let’s be honest about something we don’t like to say out loud: we know exactly what gets rewarded. Younger. Leaner. Tighter. More polished. Effortless-looking. ![person holding swimming pool ladder](https://images.unsplash.com/photo-1531074823428-3dd8856acd45?crop=entropy&cs=tinysrgb&fit=max&fm=jpg&ixid=M3wzMDAzMzh8MHwxfHNlYXJjaHwxMXx8aG90JTIwZ3V5fGVufDB8fHx8MTc3NzU4NTk0Nnww&ixlib=rb-4.1.0&q=80&w=1080) Photo by [John Fornander](https://unsplash.com/@johnfo?ref=fessup.mymidnight.blog) on [Unsplash](https://unsplash.com/?ref=fessup.mymidnight.blog) And yeah—of course that’s attractive. I’m not going to pretend I don’t see it. I do. I always have. But somewhere along the line, that stopped being a preference and started becoming the standard. And once it becomes the standard, everything else starts to feel like a deviation. Including me. What’s messing with me is that I’ve seen all sides of this. When I was coming out, there was at least some sense of respect for older gay men. They were part of the community. Visible. Not everyone’s type, but not erased either. There was an understanding—spoken or not—that they had lived through things we hadn’t. At the same time, I remember hearing that 30 was “ancient.” I didn’t fully buy into it, but it was there. Now it feels different. It feels like we’ve traded the messy, forced proximity of physical bars and community centers for the surgical precision of the digital marketplace. Back then, you had to see the whole room. Now, you can program the room to only show you what you’ve already decided you want. Now it feels like you don’t grow into age—you age out of relevance. ![two men hugging each other inside bar](https://images.unsplash.com/photo-1511311219972-4df5faba0fd5?crop=entropy&cs=tinysrgb&fit=max&fm=jpg&ixid=M3wzMDAzMzh8MHwxfHNlYXJjaHwxNXx8Z2F5fGVufDB8fHx8MTc3NzU4Nzc3MXww&ixlib=rb-4.1.0&q=80&w=1080) Photo by [Thiago BF](https://unsplash.com/@tbarlettaf?ref=fessup.mymidnight.blog) on [Unsplash](https://unsplash.com/?ref=fessup.mymidnight.blog) [Subscribe now](#/portal/signup) And I’m in my 50s, looking at a body that doesn’t match what gets pushed constantly—no abs, no perfect proportions, weight that doesn’t sit “right,” bags under my eyes—and trying to figure out how much of the disgust I feel is actually mine. Because it feels like mine. But I don’t think I came up with it on my own. I think I learned it. I learned it from apps, from social media, and from the rise of **'Looksmaxxing'**—a culture that treats the human face like a software update to be optimized - *I mean WTF people?* Influencers, gay and straight, don’t have to explicitly say 'you shouldn’t exist.' The absence of anyone over forty or over a certain weight does that for them. If you don’t see yourself in the data set, you start to understand exactly where you stand. ![a person lying on the back](https://images.unsplash.com/photo-1656585095468-d2b4ee8aab2e?crop=entropy&cs=tinysrgb&fit=max&fm=jpg&ixid=M3wzMDAzMzh8MHwxfHNlYXJjaHw1NHx8aG90JTIwZ3V5fGVufDB8fHx8MTc3NzU4Njc3OHww&ixlib=rb-4.1.0&q=80&w=1080) Photo by [Ozkan Guner](https://unsplash.com/@dentistozkanguner?ref=fessup.mymidnight.blog) on [Unsplash](https://unsplash.com/?ref=fessup.mymidnight.blog) [Subscribe now](#/portal/signup) And here’s the part I don’t love admitting: I don’t think this is just something being done to me. I think I’ve participated in it too. We all do, in ways we don’t always catch. I’ve felt that reflexive twitch of the thumb, that split-second mental filter where I’ve dismissed a face or a body before a single word was exchanged. I’ve participated in the very culture that is currently making me feel invisible. We scroll. We choose. We filter. We decide who’s worth engaging with before they even have a chance to exist as a person. ![](https://cdn.mymidnight.blog/faafda66202d234463057972460c04f5/2026/10/5b629796-0988-4612-a63c-f3323c611ba7_733x399.png) [Subscribe now](#/portal/signup) We say we want connection, but we’ve built a culture where people are disqualified before connection even has a chance. And somewhere in all of that, I gave being attractive way too much power. Not just “I want to be attractive,” which is normal. But “if I’m not attractive in the right way, I’m less visible, less wanted, less worth choosing.” That’s a heavy thing to believe. And I don’t even fully agree with it. But I still feel it. That’s the part I can’t ignore—the gap between what I intellectually know and what I’ve internalized. Because attraction isn’t a democracy. I get that. But I also don’t think it’s as fixed or as narrow as we’ve trained ourselves to believe. ![a man taking a picture of himself in a mirror](https://images.unsplash.com/photo-1709369152394-4388a9a33855?crop=entropy&cs=tinysrgb&fit=max&fm=jpg&ixid=M3wzMDAzMzh8MHwxfHNlYXJjaHw2OXx8aG90JTIwZ3V5fGVufDB8fHx8MTc3NzU4Njc4NXww&ixlib=rb-4.1.0&q=80&w=1080) Photo by [Kiros Amin](https://unsplash.com/@kirosamin?ref=fessup.mymidnight.blog) on [Unsplash](https://unsplash.com/?ref=fessup.mymidnight.blog) [Subscribe now](#/portal/signup) I think we’ve absorbed a very specific definition of what’s worth wanting—and now some of us are waking up inside that system realizing we don’t meet the criteria anymore. I know I am. I don’t think I’m wrong for wanting to be attractive. I think I’m tired of feeling like there’s only one way to be it. And I’m even more tired of how easily I let a narrow definition decide my worth. I don’t know if I can fully undo the years of conditioning, but I’m done handing over the keys. I want to look in the mirror and see a man, not a set of failed metrics. Visibility was never the algorithm’s to give—and it’s time I stopped acting like I need its permission to exist. --- [Leave a comment](#ghost-comments-root) [Subscribe](#/portal/signup)