> ## Content Index > Fetch the complete content index at: https://fessup.mymidnight.blog/llms.txt > Use this file to discover other available public pages before exploring further. # The Enemy Within - URL: https://fessup.mymidnight.blog/the-enemy-within/ - Published: 2026-07-10T11:03:56.000Z - Updated: 2026-10-07T16:11:02.000Z - Description: When You Only Have Yourself - Author: Jerry Fess - Tags: friendship, enemy, depression, mental health, relationships, chronic illness, Newsletter, #Migrated-1791389245739, #Import 2026-10-07 11:10 There comes a point where you realize that, no matter how many people love you, you still spend most of your life with yourself. Your friends celebrate your successes, but they don’t feel them the way you do. They sympathize with your struggles, but they can’t carry them. They answer the phone when they can, send encouraging texts, and remind you that you’re not alone. Then they go back to their own lives, just as they should. That’s not a criticism. It’s just life. When the bills pile up, I’m the one figuring out what gets paid and what has to wait. When I get good news, I’m the one sitting with that quiet feeling of pride after the texts stop coming. When the weight of the world settles on my shoulders at two in the morning, I’m the one lying awake trying to convince myself tomorrow will somehow work itself out. No one else can do those things for me. Most people would probably read that and say, “That’s adulthood. Welcome to it.” They’re not wrong. But what if there’s a glitch? What if the person who’s supposed to help you through adulthood is also the one trying to convince you that you’re failing at it? That’s the enemy I’ve been fighting. He’s the voice that minimizes every accomplishment. He’s the voice that magnifies every mistake. He’s the voice that insists everyone else has life figured out while I’m still trying to find the instruction manual. And the scary part? He doesn’t sound like an enemy anymore. He sounds like me. I’m not looking for pity, by the way. Never was. Never have been. I’m just trying to build a better life and a healthier relationship with the one person I’ll never be able to get away from: myself. If you’ve read this blog for any length of time, you know I’m not exactly a relationship expert. Hell, some days I’m not even sure I’ve mastered adulthood. I miss my old therapist. Nine years is a long time to let someone into every corner of your mind. She knew my history without me having to explain it. She knew the patterns, the triggers, the victories, the setbacks, and the things I didn’t even realize I was doing. I’d give just about anything for one more session with her. My current therapist is good. He’s thoughtful, and I think we’ll get there. He’s just new. Sometimes I miss sitting across from someone who already knew the map instead of helping someone draw it all over again. The best decision I ever made was starting therapy. Not because it fixed everything. It didn’t. Healing takes time. You don’t spend years becoming your own worst enemy and then wake up one Tuesday as your own best friend. Therapy gives me tools. But I’m still the one who has to use them. ![gray rocks on seashore during daytime](https://images.unsplash.com/photo-1598826739205-d09823c3bc3d?crop=entropy&cs=tinysrgb&fit=max&fm=jpg&ixid=M3wzMDAzMzh8MHwxfHNlYXJjaHwxNXx8bWluZGZ1bG5lc3N8ZW58MHx8fHwxNzgzNjI5MTU3fDA&ixlib=rb-4.1.0&q=80&w=1080) Photo by [Alejandro Piñero Amerio](https://unsplash.com/@vjgalaxy?ref=fessup.mymidnight.blog) on [Unsplash](https://unsplash.com/?ref=fessup.mymidnight.blog) I’m the one practicing mindfulness when my thoughts start racing. I’m the one challenging intrusive thoughts before they snowball. I’m the one trying to replace years of self-criticism with something that resembles compassion. Some days I succeed. Some days the enemy wins. Most days, it’s somewhere in between. One of my biggest fears is that people eventually get tired of hearing you ask for help. Not because they’re bad people. Everyone has their own lives, their own families, their own struggles. Life keeps moving. Meanwhile, you’re still standing in the same place, trying to figure out how to move forward. Maybe that’s one reason I hesitate when it comes to relationships. Ironically, they might be exactly what I need, yet they’re also what I’m most afraid of. Truthfully, I’m embarrassed. I’m embarrassed because I don’t always feel like I’ve figured out adulthood. Relationships. Friendships. Pretty much every “-ship” you can think of. Even with this blog, the enemy finds a way in. I have 31 subscribers, and I’m grateful for every one of them. The enemy says, “Only thirty-one?” He never says, “Thirty-one people cared enough to subscribe.” Maybe I should go back through everything I’ve written here and highlight every place where the enemy showed up. Because I think he’s been talking a lot more than I have. He’s the one who says, “Fifty-four years old and you still can’t figure adulthood out.” He’s the one who says, “People are eventually going to get tired of carrying you.” He’s the one who whispers, “Why would anyone want a relationship with someone like you?” He’s the one who says, “Thirty-one subscribers isn’t enough.” He’s the one who takes every small victory and shrinks it until I can barely see it. He’s the one who takes every mistake and blows it up until it’s all I can see. The scary part isn’t that he’s loud. The scary part is that I’ve believed him for so long that I mistake his voice for my own. Pushing back is exhausting. It’s hard to fight someone who knows every insecurity, every regret, every weakness, and every mistake you’ve ever made. People say it takes a village, and I believe that. It’s hard to push back without one. But I also don’t think it’s fair to expect someone else to fight this battle for me. People can love me. People can encourage me. People can remind me who I am. But they can’t silence the voice in my head. Only I can learn to do that. ![man standing on hill digital wallpaper](https://images.unsplash.com/photo-1520962880247-cfaf541c8724?crop=entropy&cs=tinysrgb&fit=max&fm=jpg&ixid=M3wzMDAzMzh8MHwxfHNlYXJjaHwzfHxwZWFjZXxlbnwwfHx8fDE3ODM2NjQxNTB8MA&ixlib=rb-4.1.0&q=80&w=1080) Photo by [Colton Duke](https://unsplash.com/@csoref?ref=fessup.mymidnight.blog) on [Unsplash](https://unsplash.com/?ref=fessup.mymidnight.blog) There’s an old saying: *The enemy of my enemy is my friend.* Maybe I should start looking at it that way. Maybe therapy is my friend. Maybe mindfulness is my friend. Maybe writing these journal entries is my friend. Maybe the people who continue showing up for me are my friends. Maybe the version of me that gets out of bed on the days I don’t want to is my friend. So...is that how I get there? I honestly don’t know. I’ve been working on this for years. I still have my down days. I still fall into the same patterns. I still let the enemy win more often than I’d like to admit. Maybe healing isn’t defeating the enemy. Maybe it’s learning to recognize him. Maybe it’s remembering that just because a voice has been with me my whole life... doesn’t mean it’s been telling me the truth. --- [Buy me a coffee](https://buymeacoffee.com/jerryfess?ref=fessup.mymidnight.blog) [Leave a comment](#ghost-comments-root) [Subscribe](#/portal/signup)