> ## Content Index > Fetch the complete content index at: https://fessup.mymidnight.blog/llms.txt > Use this file to discover other available public pages before exploring further. # The Thirty-Year Subscription - URL: https://fessup.mymidnight.blog/the-thirty-year-subscription/ - Published: 2026-05-03T01:00:26.000Z - Updated: 2026-10-07T16:11:24.000Z - Description: On being canceled by a best friend who never actually wanted the title. - Author: Jerry Fess - Tags: disability, laugh, self worth, jester, 1990s, friendship, humor, depressed, heartache, depression, blog, connecting, connection, honesty, gay, highlysensitiveperson, classical music, grumpy, passive aggressive, Newsletter, #Migrated-1791389245739, #Import 2026-10-07 11:10 I recently sat down for a digital “interrogation” with an AI assistant. I didn’t want to write a standard “growth” post because I’m not sure I’ve “grown” in the way people expect. I haven’t bloomed; I’ve fortified. When a friendship of three decades—one built on shared music, trips, and mutual survival through depression—ends over a FaceTime call with a vague sentence about “therapy,” you don’t look for a silver lining. You look for the locks. ### On the History and the “Glue” **The Question:** *30 years is a massive span of time. What was the glue that kept you together?* **The Reality:** I thought the glue was simply being best friends. We knew everything about each other. We liked the same music, went on trips together, loved the same movies. We had our own language and sarcastic sense of humor. We both dealt with significant histories of depression; I had breakdowns where he was there for me, and he had breakdowns where I was there for him. I didn’t think that glue would ever be “not enough.” ![](https://cdn.mymidnight.blog/faafda66202d234463057972460c04f5/2026/10/e1dda350-f642-4ac3-99c3-4ccfe1a9433e_1408x768-jpeg.jpg) But there was a subtle, nagging sign I ignored for years. Whenever I would bring up the fact that he was my best friend, he would never mirror it. He wouldn’t admit it. Maybe in his head, I wasn’t his “best” friend, but we spent 30 years in each other’s pockets. You don’t share that much history and call it anything else. ### On the Resentment and the Pattern **The Question:** *You mentioned things felt lopsided. Where did that friction actually come from?* **The Reality:** There was a deep-seated resentment he had regarding my disability. I’m on disability for my depression, and he clearly didn’t like the fact that I “got to sit around and do nothing” while he was working. He viewed my survival as an unfair advantage. ![](https://cdn.mymidnight.blog/faafda66202d234463057972460c04f5/2026/10/d756533b-3294-4e6e-8c8f-19d0dde57773_1402x1122.png) But it went deeper than that. He knew he was my *best* friend—and he knew I didn’t really have anyone else. He used my reliance on him as leverage. Whenever he was going through something, I always gave him the space to be himself and talk. He chose not to. Instead, he would kind of bully me for liking him - in a weird way —a tactic he used in other relationships, too. In fact, looking at his life, I wasn’t the first person he did this to. He had a track record of screwing over the significant people in his life. He burned bridges until he was standing on an island, and then he used the leverage of being my “only” person to make the exit as lopsided as possible. ![](https://cdn.mymidnight.blog/faafda66202d234463057972460c04f5/2026/10/9b406f35-0721-417f-88c2-1c588a2dbf0a_1408x768-jpeg.jpg) ### On the Night of the FaceTime Breakup **The Question:** *How did the final moment actually happen?* **The Reality:** He texted me and asked if I could talk over FaceTime. I asked him, “Right now or later?” His response was chillingly casual: *“We can do this now or later, it’s up to you.”* After thirty years, the end of our friendship was just an appointment he was happy to reschedule if I was busy. What a coward. I got on the call, and he dropped the mic. I asked “what” and “why,” and all I got back was a shield: *“Something happened in therapy... I’m not going to go into it.”* I started to tear up and I hung up on him. He nursed his resentments until he decided he was done playing the part, and he didn’t even have the courage to treat the ending with the gravity it deserved. (This happened right before COVID hit 2019-2020.) ### On the Fortress of Self-Worth **The Question:** *Is it lonely inside those walls now?* **The Reality:** It feels lonely for sure. Really lonely. I still think about him daily being reminded by things new would laugh at and more. But if I have to weigh being someone’s jester—or the person constantly smoothing over the cracks of someone else’s resentment—against my own self-worth, I’m going with my self-worth 100% of the time. I’m being honest here: I may not have been the best friend to him all the time. Perhaps I did put pressure on him to accept more of my suffering than was fair. But I’ll never know for sure, because he chose to walk away rather than talk. I’ve finally gotten to a space where I don’t care about him one way or the other. I mean I think he’s a shit friend but I’m not angry anymore; I’m just finished. ![](https://cdn.mymidnight.blog/faafda66202d234463057972460c04f5/2026/10/7150e8dd-a335-4922-bcb0-cd9871bc60db_512x279-jpeg.jpg) [Subscribe now](#/portal/signup) ### My Takeaway If there is a “lesson” here, it’s a hard one: **Don’t let your sense of humor open a door that allows someone to ignore your reality.** I spent decades smoothing things over, only to be told there was “no room” for me because my struggle didn’t look like his struggle. He refused to label me his best friend even while he knew I relied on him, and he used that distance to walk away in the most dismissive, “now or later” way possible. I don’t wish anything bad for him, but I’m done chasing people who treat a 30-year history—and a string of other broken relationships—like a subscription they can just cancel. The drawbridge is up. It’s quiet in here, and it’s a bit cold, but for the first time in thirty years, I don’t have to justify my existence or keep the peace for anyone but myself. --- ***I have left a bunch out. What would you like to know more about our friendship? Breakup? Any specifics?*** [Leave a comment](#ghost-comments-root) [Subscribe](#/portal/signup)